so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
