Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
