If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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