Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
