I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
