we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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