I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
