This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
