Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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