we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
