so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
