He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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