I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
