The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
