What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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