If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
