I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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