So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
