you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
