my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
