New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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