If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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