dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
