Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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