Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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