I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
it's not cheating when I paid for it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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