I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
