Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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