One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
