The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
