now i know why i became what i already was.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
