Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
