yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
