I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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