I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
