OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
