At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
