What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Randomize
