the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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