I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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