she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
