Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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