You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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