when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
