You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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