And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
