i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
