dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
