Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
