Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
